Gasping for Breath
by Purple Roses Poetry
Summary: James Potter has a secret. Despite having a seemingly perfect life, he knows what it's like to feel as though the world is ending. He just hopes that his friends - and Lily Evans, his long standing crush - will never find out about his disorder.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

James was six-years-old the first time it happened.

He was in Diagon Alley with his parents. He was excited to visit all his favorite shops, but his mother said that they first needed to stop by Gringotts. He walked next to his parents as they made their way to the bank, eagerly glancing around the alley in anticipation.

Suddenly, something in one of the store windows caught his eye. Without hesitation, James rushed to the front of Quality Quidditch Supplies and took in the most beautiful broomstick he'd ever seen. He grinned as he imagined an older version of himself racing across the Hogwarts quidditch pitch on a broomstick just like that one.

"I want this broomstick when I'm old enough," he called over his shoulder.

He waited for his parents' response, but it never came. James swiftly turned around, and a wave of terror washed over him as he realized his mother and father were no where in sight. His parents hadn't noticed that he stopped to look at the broomstick, and had continued to walk to the bank without their son.

"Mummy? Daddy?" James called out, hoping they were still close enough to hear him. More time passed, and James grew increasingly desperate. "MUMMY?! DADDY?!" He screamed as loud as he could.

His parents were still no where to be seen, however, his screaming did alarm many others who happened to be walking by Quality Quidditch Supplies. James' panic increased as many of the strangers approached him.

"Excuse me, little boy, are you lost?" They asked. "Did you come here alone, sweetheart? Do you want me to help you find your mummy and daddy?"

Although their words made it clear that these people wanted to help them, for some reason James couldn't understand a word they were saying. Everything he heard sounded like white noise, and he felt as though the strangers had him completely surrounded. He was trapped! He didn't have enough space to breathe! He felt as if he were about to die.

James whimpering quickly turned into anguished sobbing as he feel to the ground. Alarming those around him, he curled up into a ball and shrieked if anybody attempted to further approach him. Within moments, his sobbing became so violent that he wasn't getting enough air. He gasped for breath as tears continued to stream down his cheeks.

It felt as though it took hours for his parents to find him, but apparently it actually took them less than five minutes. His mother ran up to him and hugged him tight, and James' pants gradually dissolving into normal crying.

They never went shopping that day. As soon as James was calm enough, his mother had apparated home with him. His father returned a little while later and brought with him an ice cream sundae for James. His parents were both concerned by how strongly he reacted to being missing for only a few moments, but they soon pushed the incident out of their minds as it didn't happen again.

That is until James turned eleven and they had begun making preparations for him to attend Hogwarts in September. He had always been excited to go to Hogwarts, but for the first time he began to contemplate what it would be like to go without seeing his parents for months. He also started to worry that he would not be able to make any friends, that he would fail at all his classes, and a multitude of other undesirable outcomes.

Incidents just like the one that had happened back in Diagon Alley began to occur quite frequently in the Potter household. Eventually his concerned parents took James to a healer who diagnosed James with panic disorder. While there is no magical cure for this condition, James began to work with his healer to develop strategies to help him prevent and cope with his panic attacks.

By the time James first arrived at Hogwarts, he had much better control over his attacks. Still, James was so overwhelmed his first night away at school that he did have a panic attack. Although both his parents and his healer had assured him that his disorder was nothing to be embarrassed about, James still was still ashamed when he felt the first signs of a panic attack coming on. He quickly made his way to the bathroom where he hid until the attack had passed.

James swiftly discovered that his worries about Hogwarts were unfounded. He made great friends with all his roommates, excelled in every class, and was the best at flying in his year. Still regularly attending appointments with his healer, it was years before James had another attack.

In their fourth year, James' friends still had no idea that he had panic disorder, and James planned to keep it that way for as long as possible.

Unfortunately, shortly after Christmas, James had a very stressful day. Gryffindor had lost their quidditch match against Ravenclaw, and the captain of the Gryffindor team had placed most of the blame on James, who had scored significantly less points than the other chasers on the team. He also had a History of Magic test the next morning that he had little time to study for because of the quidditch match.

Very much needing a quiet night with his best friends, James made his way back to his dorm. However, it seemed that none of his roommates had a good day either. Peter was upset because a group of Slytherins kept making fun of his weight, and Sirius was complaining about a nasty letter he had received from his parents. James felt increasingly on edge as he was unsure of how to comfort his friends.

He just couldn't cope anymore when Remus started to share how sick he felt. The friends all felt horrible because there had been a full moon on Christmas, and Remus spent the holiday looked in the basement of his family home for everyone's protection. Not having as much room as he did in the Shrieking Shack at Hogsmeade, Remus had hurt himself more than usual while in his wolf form. They had been back at school for almost two weeks, and Remus still spent most of his day in bed recovering from the deep gashes spread all over his body and a fractured rib.

James felt sick. He, Sirius, and Peter had yet to figure out how to become animagi, and he knew that there was very little they could do to help Remus until they did.

James rapidly realized that he didn't just feel sick over Remus' situation, he really was nauseous, and he wondered if he was actually going to throw up. He tried to stand up so that he could get sick in the bathroom, but he couldn't seem to get his legs to work. All he could do was wrap his arms around himself and gently rock back in forth.

"James, what's wrong?" He heard Sirius ask. He noticed that all three of friends were staring at him, all looking concerned and confused.

James felt his face grow increasingly wet, and it took him too long to finally register that he was crying. He could no longer hear any noise, but he could see his friends' mouths moving. He wondered what they were trying to tell him.

He chocked as he couldn't take in enough air, and watched as Sirius jumped up and bolted out of the room. All he wanted was his parents. They would know how to calm him down. But they were at home and he was at school, and he felt as though he would die before he got the chance to see them again. Everything else that happened that night was a blur, but James wasn't surprised that he woke up in the hospital wing the next morning.

Apparently, when James had started to hyperventilate, Sirius had run off to find Professor McGonagall, the head of Gryffindor house. Mr. and Mrs. Potter had informed the school of James' panic disorder before he started at Hogwarts, so McGonagall realized what was happening to James. She summoned Madame Pomfrey, who helped Janes through the worst of his attack, and then brought him to the hospital wing to rest.

He stayed there for the rest of the day and worried what his friends thought of him now. After classes ended, Sirius, Remus, and Peter all came to visit him, and to bring him the school work he had missed. They questioned James about what had occurred the previous night, and he explained his panic disorder to him. They were all supportive, and James was pleasantly surprised that things between them were still normal when he returned to Gryffindor tower that night.

As the friends prepared for their O.W.L.s and the war carried on outside of Hogwarts, James had to deal with increasing stress, thus causing his panic attacks to occur moreover frequently. Over the next three years, he had several attacks, but his friends stood by him through all of them.

They had developed a routine for when James had an attack. Sirius would stay by his side and model deep breaths for James to imitate. He would also rub James' back if James permitted Sirius to touch him. If the attack was particularly bad, Remus would take over for Sirius as he went to fetch Madame Pomfrey. After the panic attack had passed, Remus was also always prepared to supply James with as much chocolate as he needed.

Peter, on the other hand, was pretty useless when the attacks were taking place. He was worried for his friend, but didn't know what he could do to help that Sirius and Remus didn't already have handled. Still, he always reminded James of how much he admired him, and did his best to ensure that James' confidence didn't suffer too much after an attack had taken place.

Finally, it was James' last year at Hogwarts and he was feeling on top of the world. He was acing all his classes, the Gryffindor quidditch team – which he was now captain of – was on a winning streak, and he had even been made head boy despite never being a prefect. He, Sirius, and Peter had also managed to become animagi in their fifth year, so now they spent full moons having adventures in the Forrest as they provided companionship to Remus in his wolf form.

Most exciting, he had been presented with the opportunity of a lifetime as Lily Evans, his long standing crush, had actually agreed to go out with him! It wasn't really a date, but it was close enough for James. Lily used to despise him, but he had matured greatly during his sixth year and had stopped hexing unsuspecting Slytherins, so now James would say she was pretty much indifferent to him.

Lily had been made head girl, so she agreed that it would be beneficial for them to get together to discuss a meeting they needed to lead for the prefects. However, it took a great deal of effort on James' part to get her to agree to meet at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade. She simply wanted to have a brief conversation as they passed in the hallway between classes.

James sat in the Three Broomsticks, enjoying a butterbeer and smiling as he knew Lily would soon be arriving. He didn't have any unrealistic expectations that Lily would fall madly in love with him after just this short meeting, but he did hope that this would at least be the start to a friendship.

"_But what if it doesn't?" _James suddenly thought. _"What if she hates me after this."_

A familiar feeling filled James' chest, but he did his best to ignore it as he saw Lily walk through the door of the pub. She quickly spotted James and sat across from him.

"Hello," she greeted him briskly. He could only nod back at her. She began to talk about her plans for the upcoming meeting. James tried to listen, but he only felt more anxious as he thought about how unqualified he was to be head boy after never being a prefect.

He did his best to remember the coping strategies his healer taught him. He tuned Lily out and stared at the table top. He began to focus his attention on picturing an empty quidditch pitch.

"_Oval shaped, three hoops on each end.." _James steadily began to calm down. It almost worked.

"James!" Lily snapped her fingers in front of his face, breaking his concentration. "Are you seriously not listening to me. You were the one who insisted we go all the way to Hogsmeade to have this conversation."

"Sorry," James managed to get out. He felt like he was going to suffocate. There were too many people in the pub. They all seemed to be screaming instead of talking at a normal volume.

James rushed out of the Three Broomsticks as fast as he could. He ran to the back of the establishment where nobody could see him and collapsed onto the grass. He attempted to think of the quidditch pitch again, but the only thought that ran through his mind was that now Lily was going to hate him forever. He pressed his face into his knees and wished he could just disappear.

Time seemed to stop as he entered into a full panic attack. He wasn't sure how long the attack had lasted, but it was enough for his tears to create wet spots on his pant legs.

James sniffed as he wiped the water away from his face. As soon as he felt strong enough, he planned to run back to Hogwarts and find Sirius. He needed a hug from his best friend, who at this point was really closer to being his brother.

Seconds passed until James realized with horror that Lily Evans had sat herself a short distance away from him. She must have followed him out of the Three Broomsticks and witnessed the entirety of his panic attack.

Unlike before, she was looking at him softly. She edged herself a little closer to him.

"Is there anything I can do?" She asked. James could tell by her tone that she was genuinely concerned.

He shook his head, not trusting that his voice would be able to work yet. He stared at the grass and she patiently waited for him to move or speak.

Finally, he found his voice.

"Please don't tell anybody," he croaked. "I can't help it, sometimes I just -"

"It's okay," she interrupted him. "You don't have to explain. I know what a panic attack is."

"You do?" He questioned.

"Yes, I have a friend back home who gets them occasionally. She says they're dreadful. Does this happen to you often?"

James faltered. He never pictured his first real conversation with Lily Evans playing out this way.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overstep," Lily said at his silence.

"No it's alright," James told her. Talking about his panic attacks with her certainly wouldn't be worse than her witnessing him have one. "I've had quite a bit of them the past few years. The healers say it's a disorder, one that I've had since I was a child. I've been working on getting better control over it."

Lily nodded in understanding.

"I had no idea. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help," she replied.

"Thanks," James smiled, a bit of his confidence returning to him. "I don't think now is a good time for me to talk about the meeting though," he admitted.

"I understand," Lily assured him.

She stood up and held out her hand to him. He took it, and was grateful that she helped to steady him when she noticed that he was still a bit shaky.

"Why don't we go back inside and have lunch? We don't have to discuss the meeting, we can just talk about our selves. Apparently there's quite a bit I don't know about you," Lily suggested with a wink.

James laughed.

"Yeah, I think that's great idea!" He beamed.

And thus began the start of a beautiful love story.

Soon after this day, Lily and James began dating, and they eventually married. Lily became an integral part of James' support system, and was already an expert at soothing James during his attacks only weeks after they officially became a couple.

Over the years, James' panic attacks began to occur less often, even with the torment of becoming actively involved in the war. Still, they never completely went away.

Nevertheless, shortly after marrying Lily, James came to the realization that he was no longer ashamed of his disorder. All the people he loved accepted him and supported him, panic disorder and all. What more could he ask for?

The end.


End file.
